There She Goes

Quick! Look! Did you see?

No, over there. Shoot! You missed her.

I have to go in today. I’ve got out of bed and got dressed and drunk coffee and remembered my key though I don’t have to and gone down by the stairs because I don’t trust the lift. You don’t know who might be in the lift. I’ve heard stories. So I walk down by the stairs. It’s only three floors. Nothing at all.

The man on the desk in the hall of the block where I live touches the peak of his cap when he sees me. He says good morning. He presses the switch that opens the door that lets me out. He is very polite to me.

There are screens fixed to the wall behind his head in a row so we can see what he sees so we know he’s looking out for us. And look! She’s there! A streak in the corner of a flatscreen. Gone now.

And I turn the Wega on and it’s a quiz show and she’s been booked to appear and there she is she’s on the television and it’s on now while I’m watching it.

She’s on this panel game TV show and she’s sitting next to a fat comedian and a press man with a leery eye. There’s a pile of screens behind her and the set is all chrome and purple and red and it’s really showbizzy and I know she likes it. That’s how she likes it.

And she’s wearing this green silk top I know it. It’s a green silky top and it’s a wrap-over style thing and I’m sure I could swear I could swear on the grave of my grandmother who was a Holy Saint that she’s wearing nothing underneath the green silky top.

Because I can see those points that move when she moves.

They’re her nipples dummy. Her pretty nipples.

She’s not like you and me. She’s in magazines and on the TV and when you see pictures of her she’s lovely and all the men the old men the men in their fifties the saggy old men want to dirty her. They love her they know she wants it she’s gagging for it the bitch Christ she’s got beautiful tits see you for a round Friday Reg? I'd give it one. I’d have her on her hands and knees. I’d show her.

Fuck me! Did you see that when she leaned forward over the desk? I could have sworn I saw her left boob. All of it. The camera was nearly in the right place. Shit. They could have shown it you know. If the cameraman had been in the right place you’d have seen it. There’s no way she’s wearing a bra under that top. It’s like that dress that singer that Kylie wears in that video where she’s driving that car and then she’s dancing and this dress this white dress I suppose it’s taped up underneath even though it’s after nine o’clock and you can say words like fuck and shit and cunt and nobody minds any more. And she’s wearing this dress and she’s got no bra on and it moves but you never quite see everything and I suppose it’s the same with the green silky top and there’s a deal with her agent and the TV company so even if her tits did pop out it’d be edited not like Janet Jackson the tart but that was live so they couldn’t. What nice breasts she’s got. They’re all natural you know. It said so in Hola.

I’ve got appointments. It’s very important I keep them. I’ve got to see these people and talk to them and be nice to them and smile at them. They take pictures of me. Some of their questions are very personal ones and very private but I answer them all as well as I can because you get into trouble if you don’t. Tell the truth and shame the devil they say so I do even though telling the truth can get you into trouble like it did me last month. Or whenever it was.

A funny thought. I bet the fat comedian and the press man he works for Smash Hits they said so he’s an important man can see her. I mean they’re sitting right next to her. They can see her up close yes and they can smell her. She’ll be wearing that stuff they pay her to wear.

The comedian keeps looking at her. He’s looking sideways the sly fucker. He’s on her right. He’s looking into her top I know it. He’s looking at her body her sunbed body her five-minute workout body the dirty bastard. He’s looking through her clothes. He doesn’t think I’ve noticed.

It’s been a busy day. The taxi drops me off outside the block and the man on the desk the man with the cameras and the knobs and the switches lets me in. I’m safe now.

The desk in the TV studio comes up to her middle so you can’t see what she’s wearing. I know. Do you want to know? It’s not jeans. It’s not lo-rise watch when she bends over you can see her crack jeans. It’s not one of those funny little skirts she wears when she’s being filmed. It’s not a tweedy business skirt down nearly to her ankles. She’s not wearing stockings or tights. Listen! I can tell you. It’s an exclusive. My agent will discuss terms. We’ll have a Non Disclosure Agreement on paper and we’ll sign it all officially in the lawyer’s office.

See she’s wearing nothing the bitch. No I don’t mean that. I mean she’s only wearing her knickers down there. They’re nice frilly silky ones like her top. She’s wearing only knickers all the studio hands know that all the cameramen and the sound men and the prop men the gaffer and the runner they’ve seen her they know and they’ll tell all their friends about her so they know as well when they’re watching her on the TV. She’s wearing her French drawers nothing else and half the time the press man’s hands can’t be seen on the television because he’s got one of them pressed hard between her legs in the warm wet warm place at the top of her thighs slipped under the silk of her panties with his thumb working away on her working hard and sweet.

It makes her all flirty and giggly and smiley on the screen so the audience loves her. She smiles and blushes and gets all the answers wrong so she’s like a funny little kid only with hair and tits. The old men in the box watch her loving it and they love it.

No skirt the whore. She left it the slut in the shop or the car she can’t remember. She left it behind because she was on her way to the studio yes and her tummy her poor little tummy was giving her the collies and she was afraid she was going to do big potties in her pants there in the back of the car and she begged the driver to stop and he said no he can’t stop they’ll be late and he’s on a job. So she raps on the glass again and promises she’ll be nice to him but she won’t if only he’ll stop outside a pub or a nice shop a good shop a shop with a loo because she’s bursting and she needs to go.

And she runs because he’s on a double yellow into the shop and they know her so they smile her account is thousands a month it says in Take A Break and say of course she can use their loo.

All she wants is a line just one little what the fuck does it matter officer line. One look you can touch me here look you can feel me up if you want would you like to put your hand there line. Please just one you can fuck me if you want line. One oh I’m feeling really horny oh God don’t stop big boy line. A look it’s in my handbag would you like a hit as well line.

And something slips oh no and her skirt the pretty pink skirt is ruined oh shit oh fuck what am I going to do now? She runs out of the shop with her coat wrapped around her and oh fucking Christ she’s left the stuff in the toilet but the man drives to Shepherd’s Bush like a fucking maniac because they’re late for makeup while she gets on the phone and calls her friends and it’s get down there now it’s really fucking important oh God I’m desperate don’t you know?

I heard this man talking on the TV:

“The mindless worship of celebrity is today’s religion; spurious, and vacant of meaning or spirituality. The priests and acolytes of this religion are the lost ones of their generation. They have traded their souls for money and a little fleeting fame.”

See? I wrote it down because it was an important man the Archbishop who said those things in the programme so they must be important things.

What a twat. What a sad fuck.

I saw her! I saw her in Regent Street! I knew her by the way she walked.

I wanted to say to her hello. I wanted to say nice clothes. I wanted to say where did you get those shoes? I wanted to know who does her hair. I wanted to I wanted to I wanted to touch her reflection in the shop window.

I wanted to know her. I wanted my share.

All day I’ve been catching glimpses of her. Did you see her too? Just now? Look! There she goes. There she goes again.